Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Big Pharaoh Congratulates America On Not Being the "Great Satan" This Week
"To all my American friends, congratulations!!! Haven't you noticed it?? These days your country is not our villain anymore. Denmark is having its share of our flag burning parades. Sorry my Danish friends, but give these poor Americans a rest and take their place for a moment. I know you're generous. America, this is the time to celebrate."
To which I responded:
"It's an American day of rest! Enjoy it, my fellow countrymen because, tomorrow, we will surely have to get back on that horse. "
Some other Americans expressed concern that perhaps this means America is losing its edge. Does this mean that we are NOT the Great Satan this week? Now Denmark is the Great Satan? Is America losing its greatness? Can we get it back? Is this a result of our failing competitiveness in the maths and sciences?
(sigh) Americans, Americans, Americans. You have nothing to fear. Being "The Great Satan" -- just like being the original Satan -- is not a position you can apply for. Either you are the Great Satan or you aren't. You want proof? Who was the Great Satan before the US? That's right. NO ONE! We invented the role, just like we invented the lightbulb, the airplane, movies, and the telephone.
Okay, I know the telephone was invented by a Canadian. But he had to cross the border to America to invent it or else it wouldn't count. And that's why we are, and always will be, The Great Satan.
The Danes had a lot going for them in the satan business. A 1000 years ago they ripped through the North Sea and Mediterranean like a bad burrito through a colon: raping, pillaging, and founding kingdoms. Ireland, Britain, Russia, Africa and the Levant! Leaving horned helmets and red-headed children in their wake. An English prayer said "from the fury of the Northmen, Good Lord, protect us. Amen." Not bad...or...um...very bad! But today that prayer only lives on in the Islamic vesper "from the cartoons of the Danes, Good Lord, protect us. Allah Akbar. BOOM!" See? The Danes have definitely peaked. The one place where the Vikings beat a hasty retreat? America! (Yes, technically, it was Canada again. But you surely can't imagine that the polite little Canadians would have made Leif Erikson's company so uncomfortable do you?)
So, my fellow Americans, do not fear. The world will continue to look to you as the ultimate source of all that is authentically evil. It is not a job that can be out-sourced, even though some countries will develop niche markets as Denmark has done. And as long as George W. Bush is in office, I know that he will ensure that our brand is secure in Europe and Asia.
However, this is still a country of immigrants. First and second generation Asians have helped this country maintain its overall placing in engineering and scientific endeavors. We should consider setting aside more immigration slots for Danes to keep our edge in evil cartooning. I hear the Dane Imam Ahmad Abu Laban has made quite a name for himself in that field...
Told ya so: Cartoon Protesters Direct Anger at U.S.
QALAT, Afghanistan (AP) - Police killed four people Wednesday as Afghans enraged over drawings of the Prophet Muhammad marched on a U.S. military base in a volatile southern province, directing their anger not against Europe but America. The U.S. base was targeted because the United States "is the leader of Europe and the leading infidel in the world."
Now don't you feel silly.
P.S. I looked hard for an image of cartoon characters protesting to post with this update but I couldn't find any.