Friday, August 12, 2005

Jeffrey Tries to Join Snarkaholics Anonymous

Our anti-hero Jeffrey had been accused of being "snarky" many times and finally his friends got together for an "intervention," forcing him so seek help for his relentless snarky behavior.

So on a hot August evening in Flushing, New York, Jeffrey trudged up the squeaking stairs to a large, second-floor room for the 7 p.m. meeting of the local chapter of Snarkaholics Anonymous.

Jeffrey took a chair near the back and was summoned to stand up and introduce himself around ten minutes into the meeting.

JEFFREY: Hi, my name is ... uh ... Jeffrey.


JEFFREY: My name is Jeffrey and I'm a ... shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-NARK-a-holic.

A few laughs break out but they mostly just stare at Jeffrey.

MAN AT PODIUM: Jeffrey, PLEASE! We're here to help you.

JEFFREY: Well, YOU must know, you're standing at the PODIUM, right?!

Now a few groans are heard.


Jeffrey failed to connect with Snarkaholics Anonymous, so he decided to go to church the next day and confess.

In the confessional, Jeffrey kneels on the runner before the small, darkened screen where the priest waits for him to start.

JEFFREY: Bless me father, for I have sinned, my last confession was about ... well ... a pretty damn long time ago.

PRIEST: That's ten Our Fathers.


PRIEST: You just cursed, young man, and you must say ten Our Fathers.


PRIEST: Make that twenty. Listen, do you even KNOW the Our Father?

JEFFREY: Sure. Our Father, who art in heaven, hollowed be thy name--

PRIEST: Hold it!



JEFFREY: Really?!

PRIEST: Yeah. How long have you been saying that?

JEFFREY: Since I was five.

PRIEST: Let me get my calculator.

JEFFREY: That doesn't sound good.

PRIEST: It isn't.

Well, as you can see, things aren't going very well for our Dear Snarky Anti-Hero. Keep him in your prayers, people. Keep him in your prayers.


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