Sunday, February 20, 2005

Give 'em Zell!!!

Zell Miller will always have a warm spot in my heart after he challenged Chris Matthews to a fist-fight during the Republican national convention last summer. Seeing that boot shoved in Matthews' Non-stop Surrender Monkey Motor-Mouth was priceless. (Hat Tip: Papa Ray)

And now Zell imagines what the coverage of Iwo Jima would be like if left to today's journalists.
What if today's reporters had covered the Marines landing on Iwo Jima, a small island in the far away Pacific Ocean, in the same way they're covering the war in Iraq? Here's how it might have looked:

DAY 1

With the aid of satellite technology, Cutie Cudley interviews Marine Pfc. John Doe, who earlier came ashore with 30,000 other Marines.

Cutie: "John, we have been told by the administration that this island has great strategic importance because if you're successful, it could become a fueling stop for our bombers on the way to Japan. But, as you know, we can't be sure this is the truth. What do you think?"

Pfc. Doe: "Well, I've been pinned down by enemy fire almost ever since I got here and have had a couple of buddies killed right beside me. I'm a Marine and I go where they send me. One thing's for sure, they are putting up a fight not to give up this island."

Cutie: "Our military analysts tell us that the Japanese are holed up in caves and miles of connecting tunnels they've built over the years. How will you ever get them out?"

Pfc. Doe: "With flame throwers, ma'am."

Cutie (incredulously): "Flame throwers? You'll burn them alive?"

Pfc. Doe: "Yes ma'am, we'll fry their asses. Excuse me, I shouldn't have said that on TV."

Cutie (audible gasp): "How horrible!"

Pfc. Doe (obviously wanting to move on): "We're at war ma'am."

...

Cutie to camera: "No one has yet really confirmed why this particular battle in this particular place is even being waged. Already, on the first day, at least 500 Marines have been killed and a thousand wounded. For this? (Camera pans to a map with a speck of an island in the Pacific. Then a close up of nothing but black volcanic ash). For this? For this?" (Cutie's sweet voice becomes more strident as it fades out.)

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FULL DISCLOSURE: I am a registered Democrat. Last summer's Democratic national convention was the most mind-numbingly boring exercise in posturing I have ever witnessed. The Republicans kicked arse with Guiliani, Zell, and Arnold. No contest. The Democrats are imploding. And, mark my word, John Kerry will try to run again in 2008. But the Return of Flipper will have all the success of the Gilligan's Island return-to-the-island movies.

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